How To Know If The Baby Is Not Yours
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How Not to Kill Your Baby
Author: Jacob Sager Weinstein
language: en
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing
Release Date: 2012-03-20
"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me) "Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple." --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan) "The "s-a-g-e" in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to." --Dennis Miller "If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons) Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever? If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice: * "As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets." * "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23." * "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!" * "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age." How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting. How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.
Understanding Your Baby
Author: Sophie Boswell
language: en
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Release Date: 2004
Why do some mothers and babies take to breast feeding while others don't? And what are the emotions involved for mother and baby when the baby rejects a feed, or when breast feeding stops? What happens when parents and their babies have to negotiate separations, or deal with night-time crying? What if your baby's distress makes you feel that you cannot cope? This book takes the reader through the entire first year of a baby's life, anticipating parents' questions and covering topics ranging from parental feelings during pregnancy to a 10-month-old's sociability and deepening relationships.
A Complete Guide for Single Dads
Raising a child alone whether you are a father or mother can be the most trying experience in anyone s life. Learning to handle all the many duties that two people would normally deal with and adjusting to the overwhelming demands of a child on a daily basis is a trying experience. Yet, the U.S. Census Bureau estimated in 2006 that over 12.9 million single parents raise their children alone. While a small percentage of that was single fathers (2.5 million), the hard reality of raising a child alone remains the same for either parent. Through hours of meticulous research and interviews, this book was compiled to show exactly how a single father can raise a child alone to be happy and healthy without the help of a second parent. You will learn, as a single father, how to reassure your children and maintain the feeling of a family. You will learn how to help them feel better regardless of whether you are a single father through death or divorce. You will learn how to treat your children and how to communicate with them. The basics of discipline and rules will be outlined for a single-parent household, along with tips on how you can have fun with your children the right and healthy way. You will learn the differences between having daughters versus sons as a father, and how to handle the myriad issues that the mother would normally handle. Dozens of hours of interviews with experts in child psychology and child raising were conducted, and have been included in this book to provide a complete outline of what you can expect throughout raising your children. You will learn how to turn your house into a home, divvying up space, having pets, and how to handle chores. You will learn how to find reliable child care and how to juggle your time among your work, your children, and yourself. You will learn how to deal with school and ensure that your children get the attention they need to succeed. The basics of cooking and health care for children and how to handle their emotional issues as they grow older will all be outlined for you. For every father alone for the first time or unsure of how to raise a child alone, this book will provide the detailed instruction you need to be the best possible single father.